CHARLENE FARELL
February is the month of love, or so we have been told. Today, before and after Valentine’s day we have other days of love being commemorated too. Somewhere, I heard that the 15th of the month was supposed to be ‘singles’ day. How ironic I thought this was! Just the previous day we are supposed to swoon over our valentines and the next day we are too leave them high and dry and jump on the bandwagon of singlehood so as to keep up with the latest fads. It is all of this and the fact that we are not taught about the importance of everlasting love anymore. We often see so many couples and marriages that are crumbling at their seams. There is a song of the yesteryears that I loved for its melody and rhythm. But only in adulthood did I understand the deeper meaning of it. The song in question, ‘Cheating heart’.
Infidelity, is not the leading cause for divorce, communication problems are, but infidelity comes in a close second. The way I see it, communication problems are what leads to infidelity in the first place. This issue is one that needs to be examined much deeper. What makes one person in the relationship or both in some cases cheat? Is a question I have always asked. Most of the time, the one who cheats will blame the other person in front of their spouse. Very often I have also heard the line, ‘Men are like that only’. Then, why is it that women do the same in their marriages? Another question I have pondered on is, what exactly entails cheating? Is it infidelity only when there is a physical relationship, or do other behaviours also count? And finally, why has the divorce rate gone up in the recent past? Didn’t couples cheat on each other and had communication problems in the past? Today, I won’t try to answer these questions as I said they are questions of my own mind. All I will do is share my thoughts on them in hope that some of my readers would also share their ideas and together we can come up with answers, one day we might all have.
To begin with the first question, of why people cheat in the first place. Of all the couples I have counselled over the years, I have understood that communication and boredom are two of the most common reasons. Couples say that over the years and as they switch gears from the honeymoon period into the mundanities of life, they fall in to certain habits and lose the spark that they once had. They also said that as life threw its various challenges at them, they found that the way they communicated also changed. The lack of time to rebuild their communication also plays an important role. Variety, is the spice of life said one bold gentleman, my question was, then why trap one with a document that claims marriage? To which I got no response. The media also glamorizes infidelity and I can’t understand why.
Over to the next question. Well, I have heard this and read this a thousand times before, that Cheating in not only physical. Sometimes, it doesn’t even get there. When a person who is in a committed relationship, shares an intensely intimate connection with another individual, where they speak regularly or message each other, or talk to or think about the other in a sexual or romantically intense way, that is what I have understood as all that entails cheating or infidelity. Why does this happen? Sometimes it is because people have been forced into marriages that they didn’t want, or again, boredom has set in and life with the spouse has become too routine. Every relationship needs work and constant attention. Once the kids come along, couples turn their attention to them, thus leaving very little space for the spouse. Relationship, especially marriages, require constant work, attention and patience.
Why has the rate of divorce risen recently? Well, I have plenty of theories here. Either it is because the world has got super connected with technology and it has just become easier to cheat, or women have now found themselves working outside the home and thus, more in the company of like-minded individuals who excite their intellect more that the man they have at home. Even the men are not behind in finding grass much greener on the other side than their own house. There are plenty of reasons that we can come up with but one thing I would like to also mention is the very little focus that we give to building and maintaining relationships in the age of technology. It has become very easy to walk out and it is no more a taboo. Again, it is each one’s choice. But when there is a cheating heart in the mix, the result is manifold. It is not only the two lives that are ruined but multiple lives that get affected. Proper focus on building of a relationship and the maintainence of it too, should be a concept taught at every level. For love is the beacon of hope on a dreary day, the answer to all our problems. So let’s be wise and find a way to make love last, and last a lifetime.
